The advice of a psychologist


What loneliness is, where it comes from? Probably each of us at least once in your life asked yourself this question. Loneliness is a feeling. Like all other senses, it depends on our perception of life situation. If you look at loneliness from a formal point of view, it must occur when we are in isolation, i.e. the same. But this is not so. Every day we are surrounded by hundreds and sometimes thousands of people, we go to work, to the shops, ride the subway, communicate with colleagues, but, nevertheless, this does not prevent a person from feeling of loneliness. Of course in the daily bustle and hustle we forget about it, it would not feel it, nor experience, but rather are not aware of any other feelings. It’s like a joke. You see a gopher? – No! – And it is! As a rule, the feeling of loneliness is exacerbated at weekends and on public holidays, when the buzz called “NECESSARY” stops, and we can be left to themselves and their desires.

This so-called syndrome of the day. Many to cope with this, go to clubs, go to visit, play computer games, drink alcohol, and all this with the sole aim to kill time and not to feel lonely.

While on the other hand, in life there are moments or periods when we are physically alone, but we are well and comfortable and we have no loneliness. Here it is important to ask what we are thinking about where to focus our thoughts and who we are in the shower at this point. Our brain produces thoughts 24 hours a day, but only 1/10 of them we realize and notice, the other zips in the head so fast that we don’t have time to grab them and realize. But these thoughts largely determine our mood, feelings and emotional state. This so-called unconscious thought. For example, we can be sad and troubled that something is wrong in the relationship with our spouse or sexual partner. This may be accompanied by acute feelings of loneliness. But if we can look into our unconscious, for example, through the analysis of dreams, sedums or reservation, we surprisingly can find that in our unconscious slip quite other thoughts and associations. For example, memories of early childhood where we feel alone, when my parents would argue, or was busy with work and did not give emotional warmth. Usually it is quite painful experiences, so they are pushed into the unconscious and then projected onto the current situation. When this happens, we may notice that various aspects of our lives repeat the same situation. For example, we end up disappointed or abandoned, or do alienate people, explaining it to some external causes and circumstances. In psychology, this explanation is called rationalization.

If we understand the actual situations, for example, on reception at the psychologist, then it removes a certain tension and urgency of the problem, but does not relieve us from internal conflict, the roots of which lie in our unconscious. In psychoanalytic psychotherapy these unconscious conflicts come to life and processed in the migration. For example, if a customer in my childhood I left mom, and he could not cope with this anxiety and feeling low, he formed certain patterns of behavior that from time to time repeat the traumatic situation, as a helpless baby, he could not cope.

In psychotherapy, when the client begins to interact with the therapist, the transfer is formed, in which the client begins to build a relationship with the therapist as the important object, which was not resolved unconscious conflict.
For example, if the client was a mom who wanted to leave him, were with him emotionally cold and indifferent, he will manifest coldness and detachment from the therapist, no matter how emotionally warm and the host was not the therapist, the client will still feel the indifference, Brasenose and rejection, sometimes unconsciously provoking the therapist to it. The task of the therapist is to create such conditions that the unconscious client received a different, more positive replacement experience and a better understanding (knowledge received through own experience) that in reality, for example in the relationship with the therapist is different and relationships here can be built differently, more constructively. This is a very long and painstaking work, requiring great skill and endurance because
It is important to create the conditions for change rather than to explain to the client what was happening. Explanation and understanding at the level of consciousness will not change anything, most people who think about life and understand it, and speak to the reception about the following phrase: “I understand that the offense here is not that but, but the offense is still there!” I really like the aphorism one of my colleagues: the qualifications of the therapist is inversely proportional to the number of given interpretations (explanations, tips).

Of course, this work with repeated accommodation of the feelings that actualizarea in transferring, challenging, and sometimes painful. Any changes to our unconscious perceives mistrust, fear and then that just raises the resistance, i.e. a desire to act in the usual way. For example, if the customer feels indifferent to it or use it (say, as did his parents) to take offense and leave, to leave therapy, to take revenge on the therapist, becoming even more miserable, how often do little children come to their fantasies with their parents (so I’ll die and you’ll regret it). Even though we’re talking about a psychotherapeutic relationship, there’s nothing personal that there is a neutral support and acceptance, but the feelings that arise are very real and sometimes very strong, and our consciousness is always ready to come up with a rationalization (logical explanation) any of our emotional decision. The work of the mind to rationalize, we can easily observe the hypnotic session, when the person, for example, inspired after hypnosis to go on stage and open the umbrella.

A person performs the compulsion, and when asked why he did it – he doesn’t say “don’t know”. His mind comes up with an explanation. For example: the street is going to rain and I decided to check my umbrella, and the question of why he needed to go on stage, he said that there were many people I could hurt. I.e. He fully explains the reasonableness and rationality inspired by his actions and gives his own desire. This example clearly shows how we live and act under the influence of the unconscious, and how the mind explains it all. Now let’s get back to the topic of loneliness. How is it formed and what is happening in our unconscious, when we are feeling lonely. In psychoanalysis there is a theory of object relations, which is described in the writings of Melanie Klein.

For example, for the infant the first object is the mother’s breast, and then the whole mother. From how to develop emotional relationships have a baby in the first months of life, and perinatal psychologists say that in utero, starting from the moment of conception and emotional relationship of the mother to pregnancy, affects the quality of life and emotional status of the person. If the object of the relationship was disturbed due to some reason, e.g., because of postpartum depression of the mother, her emotional detachment or physical absence of a good internal object “LOVING MOTHER” was not formed, then the person will always feel lonely, not finding a place, regardless of, is it the people or one. It will try to find that missing love, but will look for it on the basis of their unconscious representations of the same aloof and emotionally callous people, like his mom.

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